The Update

It's just after 2:00 in the morning, and we're spending the night in Atlanta tonight on the way to Gainesville for a performance tomorrow. To say that it has been a rough few weeks for us here in La Mancha land is an understatement. We've gone through some of our toughest scheduling, and had a few unexpected emergencies along the way as well. I've been trying to finish this blog post for weeks now. But things just keep happening and time is moving too quickly. So I'm going to apologize for A) this is going to be long and B) it's going to be a bit disjointed. Just bear with me...

About two weeks ago (or is it three now?), during a lunch stop in AZ, one of our boys got hit by a truck while crossing the road. He had the right of way, and the truck was speeding trying to make the light in the turning lane. The only person with him at the time was our conductor. So the two of them went off to the hospital in the ambulance, and the rest of us had to keep going on to the next city because there was a performance that night.

We spent the next hour and a half on the bus reconfiguring the show, trying to cover his track, and going over musical cues/tempos with our trombone player who would be conducting that night. We pulled together, and the performance actually felt pretty good, even with all the changes that had to be made. It's circumstances like these that show how much you have to truly trust the people around you, both on stage and off, and just how much like family we have all become over the past few months. 

When we arrived back in the hotel that night, we went to check in with our fallen cast mate. There were no major injuries, but a lot of bruising and pain. The hospital said that he was lucky to be alive. So the next morning, he flew back to New York to begin recuperating with his family. In the meantime, we also picked up a new cast mate in California - a "swing" - which is the term used for someone who learns all the different tracks in a show and can step in at a moments notice in any of the ensemble roles.

This past weekend in Saint Louis, our original cast mate returned to us...just in time for a company meeting. One of our producers flew down from New York to announce a few changes that were happening in personnel of our tour and to get a better sense of what was actually happening with us all out on the road. Of course, I can't go into details, but it was something that was sorely needed. I only hope that things will get better from here on out.

We also got extremely lucky in Saint Louis. There were THREE different touring productions in the city at the same time; Mamma Mia, Seussical, and our tour of La Mancha. We got all three casts together in a bar after our performances on Saturday. Old friends were seen (one of my South Pacific cast mates is on Mamma Mia now), new friends were made, and debauchery was the word of the night. A bunch of musical theater people dancing and singing to Whitney at the top of our lungs in the middle of a bar we took over? It doesn't get any better than that.

But, in the middle of all this chaos, I also had a small personal breakdown that I only made known to a few people. Luckily I had a few really good friends who saw me through it, and were able to show me some light at the end of the tunnel. Below is what I went though (but hadn't posted yet):

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When most New Yorkers leave New York City, they long to return. No matter where they are, they are always thinking about what they are missing out on back home. This is how I know that I am not a true New Yorker.

I'm having a hard time with this today. Have you ever tried to have a quiet break down on a bus full of people? Not easy. I tend to fold into myself and hide my face in my bear. (He has many purposes. Pillow. Safety net. Muffler of tears.) I'd been staring out the window looking at the Colorado Rockies, texting with one of my best friends. Then it all just kind of hit me at once. I need nature. And space. I do not want to be in New York anymore.

But I can't have the career that I want without being there. I am at the biggest crossroads of my life.

I know that something big is going to happen this year. I can feel it. My career is on the trajectory is needs to be. I'm in the right place. Meeting the right people. Singing the right roles. But this city is killing my soul. And I have no idea what to do.

I know some of you will automatically think that I should return to Chicago, but I don't think I can do that either. It was my home for so long. I do miss it. But I know that it's not the right place for me anymore. I feel as though I no longer have the choice. And maybe that's the thing that's killing me the most. I don't like not having choices. I always tell myself that no matter the situation, I will always have options. But I just don't feel like I do anymore. If I want this career, to be one of the best, then I have to stay. Otherwise, if I leave, I will be giving up. And I can't do that. I have worked too hard for too long to leave it all behind.

Maybe I just need to stay on the road for a bit longer. Find another tour to join after this one. It is a life I know and love. A hard one. But at least I know that it fits me.

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So, after all that, I got some really great advice from one friend that I will try to make happen when I return to New York again in a few months. I need to set up a real "home" for me rather than subletting and moving constantly. I need get my things from Chicago and have them with me rather than thousands of miles away. I also need to spend more time outdoors.

With that last thought, I also made a huge new goal for myself. I'm going to climb a mountain. A real one. I'm thinking somewhere in upstate New York. Nothing massive. Just a good hike up and down that will change my perspective of the world. As I was texting with one of my best friends, I told her of my ridiculous thought and she agreed to go with me. And then her mom and her sister also wanted in. And then MY sister joined. So we're all going to go climb a fucking mountain. Nuts. But totally doable. I've started researching a bit. I've got a lot of training to do. But I'm pretty determined. And you know what happens when I get determined...

I get shit DONE, son.


And so, now I bid you all adieu. It's seriously time for bed. The alarm is going off in just 5 short hours to take us to Gainesville. And there will be Sonny's. And I will be happy.