All in the Timing

I have stopped counting - for the most part. I no longer know how many years it's been since my last relationship, or how many years since the assault. I no longer count the days till I will see someone again, or how many months it's been since I've gotten laid. The things I track now are more than any man can give me.

Each year on August 31st, I return to the Staten Island Ferry; one of the first things I did when I moved here to New York two years ago. It's become my own small tradition of being. The water brings me peace; the Hudson River's waves are gentler than you'd imagine. I love seeing the outline of the city as we pull away from the dock, and Lady Liberty's facade as we skirt by her. Barges and helicopters. Buildings and bridges. All fusing together on this small corner of the world that is somehow filled with so much.


All my friends who consider themselves New Yorkers have told me that if you can get through the first two years, you'll be fine. Well, I've made it. But fine isn't quite the word I would use. This year's trip to the ferry wasn't a happy one. I expected it be. Maybe I was wrong for that.

I usually find happiness in small things; ferry trips and walking around a part of New York I hadn't yet explored. I couldn't force it today. The clouds hung low over the boat, and the rain came pouring fast. There was one moment though, as I sat on the train where I felt a real smile on my face. I began flipping through the photos on my phone. Two years worth of friendships and traveling; singing and struggle. I have accomplished so much.

Yet I am so on edge. I can feel a constant thrumming in my bones as I walk the lower Manhattan streets. I am on the verge of change. In Company, Larry says to Bobby: "Come on, you're on to something, Bobby. You're on to something." just before his huge epiphany. I'm almost there. I know it. I just don't know what form it's going to come in.



I've come so close so many times this past year. One theater talked about offering me my Equity card. They ended up going with someone else, but that in turn, put me in West Virginia, where I ended up getting exactly what I needed; working with an amazing group of people and being able to play Mary just the way I've always wanted to. I can't tell you how many times I've sent out my headshot and resume to agents over the past month, but one finally bit, and I'll be meeting with her in a few weeks. I've also got a friend here in the city setting me up with someone, and I'm almost, dare I say it, feeling...hopeful? He's tall, cute, and has a decent job. If he ends up being nice, then I'll be sold. I've also got tentative plans for another theater next summer which I'm so out-of-my-mind excited about, but can't discuss yet as the rights haven't been acquired.

I've never been so Bobby baby in all my damn life.

But it's all timing. Everything has to fit in it's own little magical way in order to work. And I must be patient.Which is all I've ever been. I can't tell you how many times I've been told that I still need a few more years before I start getting hired for a certain role. Even at 35, I'm still too young for some of them; Abuela Claudia in In the Heights, Mother Superior in The Sound of Music and my favorite...Joanne in Company. Her cynicism, sexuality, and humor is what I gravitate toward. I can't wait to dig my claws into this someday:



But the cynicism hurts. My hearts been a little too close for comfort these days. The wall I leave up helps get past each disappointment that pops up. And there have been many. But I'm ready in that Bobby, You're on to something kind of way; waiting for my sleep to be ruined by something other than my writing.

...And another hundred people just got off of the train.