A 1:00 AM Update

Needless to say, I'm awake.

My weekend in NY is half way over. Most things have been wonderful. My hotel, not so much. Every time I lay down, I immediately have a headache. I don't know what's causing it, other than being in this room. Is it the pillows? The chemicals they use to clean the room? Who knows. All I know is that I can't sleep. Luckily, there's a 24 hr CVS across the street so I'm remedying this by a bag of Doritos, a purple Gatorade, and some knock-off Advil PM. Have opened the window and am enjoying the sounds of New York floating in from my 18th floor window.

Day one of rehearsal, I almost cried twice. Day two if rehearsal, I finally did cry. Found out that pretty much everyone in the cast has gone through it. Made me feel much better. The director is hard. She pushes bc she sees that I'm capable of so much. I come away from each rehearsal inspired to keep going. She is teaching me, or more like reminding me, of what it truly is to act - rather than stand and sing pretty. I remember this feeling, the intention of what bringing a character to life really means. I will be forever grateful for this time that I've spent with her. And I'm grateful to my high school drama teacher who was the first to really teach me this so long ago.

But then I begin to think...when and where did I lose this? When did I forget how to communicate so much simply by looking into someone else's eyes? It's been a gradual process of laziness that I'm ashamed to admit to. I've always skated by on my talent. I know this. I've always admitted it. But now, I'm taking a step in the direction of the big leagues. There are no lazies here. And if I want to play with the big boys, I gotta be even better than that.

So back to square one again. The process of the thing. The research. The motions. The thoughts that lead from one intention to the next. It's all got to be there.

I think the pills are beginning to kick in. Time to try again. I need rest. Final rehearsal tomorrow at 10 AM. Will try to write a longer post once I'm back in Chicago since I have so much more to say.

But know that even though I'm pushing through a most difficult time, I am truly happy.