Because I'm Happy...Or Not.

This video has been making the rounds on social media over the last few weeks.



I've had such a very mixed reaction, especially after learning how Facebook manipulated almost 700,000 people in their own little social experiment. But there is a big fat truth in what we see above.

I look at my own FB feed - posts of funny animal videos, updates of what is going on in my career or personal life - and think that I'm not quite as far gone as the guy in the video. I'm not making things up. My life actually is pretty interesting. I tend to focus on the positive because that is what I choose to do. Negativity only breeds more discontent. But does this mean that I'm embellishing since deep down, I'm not all that happy?

This has been a tough week. My grandmother is dying. My family is in Florida while I am here in New York, about to leave for another singing gig in West Virginia. My close friends have been helping me deal with the emotional helplessness that I feel. Still, others have completely forgotten to even ask.

In 5 days, I'll be traveling to Morgantown. I will make a new set of friends for a couple of weeks and then it will all be over before it even begins. This is one of the pitfalls of being a singer, the constant shifting of friendships and families that you build. But you learn to move on and let go. You just have to keep going. There is no other choice.

I keep thinking of the mountains; how much I miss seeing them from the tour bus windows. Someday I will leave New York. I will not return to Florida. Nor Chicago. I will find a small, quaint city surrounded on all sides with fresh air and rivers. I will breathe my last breaths there, content with whatever life I end up leading, whether I make it or not.

I have begun to despise the word famous. People like to say/joke that I am since I'm working on one of the most popular tv shows of the year. In reality however, I'm a nobody. Yes, I've made it out of Vero. Yes, I'm working as a singer. I'm doing what I love and getting paid for it. I am so very lucky. But the truth is in the video; I'm beyond broke. I am single. I am unhappy.

There are days where I would give anything to switch with one of you; to have a steady income, someone to come home to. Maybe even have a family of my own. But that is not my reality. My reality is the squalor of  a big city, being inspired every day that I step outside, surrounded by stink and electricity; living for each moment that brings me something new, one step closer to what I'm dreaming.

And this is why I keep going. Because someday, I'll get out.