The Comfort Question

Yesterday morning, I was asked a question that I never thought I would have to answer: Are you comfortable doing nude scenes?

My first reaction was shock. The women on set with me had been talking about the casting call notice during our lunch break. A few of them submitted. I know of at least one who actually got a call back. Most of these women are small. I however, am not. And this is one of the beautiful things about working on a show like Orange is the New Black. They use all body types, all skin types, all sexual types, all women types. I could not be more proud to be doing my small part as an extra on this show.

I posted my funny little experience on Facebook. I love sharing my life with people, but sometimes it comes at a cost. Most people just press like and go on about their day. A handful usually leave supportive comments of their pride in me or a joke about the situation. One of my favorite responses this time around was my friend Carl who wrote, If you want to desensitize yourself to the prospect by sending out selfies, I would be willing to assist you in the furtherance of your art. LOL. His wife, Andi (who I've known since high school), promptly followed with Always the helpful one, Carl! Lol! I have the most amazing group of supportive friends that I could ever ask for.

But then came a few responses of support that jarred me, the ones that pushed me to do it. Go for it! Do it for the art! You are a beautiful woman who shouldn't be ashamed of her body. It could lead to something! And that's where the truth started to hit me in the face and I wished that I hadn't said anything. I understand that these people are only wanting me to succeed, what they think is best for me. But getting naked for a few million people isn't going to do any of that.

To be honest, if I were 50 pounds lighter, I would have considered it. If I were 100 pounds lighter, I would have submitted before the email could even finish downloading to my phone inbox. But I'm not. I am the size I am right now. And I am the only one who has to live my life with my body.

It isn't a question of art. It isn't a question of my beauty. It isn't a question of pay or experience. It's a question of my comfort level. Mine. My own.

I rarely let anyone see me naked. Not my roommates. Not my theater friends. Not even my lovers. Not anyone. I am a lights-off-in-the-bedroom kind of girl. But don't get me wrong. I have confidence. Otherwise, I couldn't succeed in this business (or get laid). There are, however, some very strong points that lead me to the decision I made (that I am more than happy to film scenes in a towel, but that would the extent of my nakey time on screen).

You'd think in this day and age that people would be more sensitive and have manners. It's not true however. At least once or twice a week, I am harassed in some way about my weight. From the pedi-cab driver telling me to lose some weight fatty! to the anonymous Twitter asshole telling me I won't have a problem when I tweeted about being afraid to date using the YesAllWomen hashtag. Have you ever had a cast mate of the opposite sex look at you in complete disgust when you talk about having a sex life? I have. And it weighs on you...even now, months later.

But here's the thing: I'm confident. I have parts of my body that I love. I have two mini skirts that actually turned a man's head. My tits are big and my waist, a nice hour-glass shape. I have jeans that make me look like I have an ass that won't quit. When I have a night out in Harlem, I get stopped by strange men on the street asking for my number.
But Harlem isn't Hollywood.

Do you know the cruelest thing you can say to a single fat girl? That she isn't fat. That she is beautiful. There was an entire Louis C.K. episode about dating a fat girl with an amazing monologue at the end that pretty much sums up what my life is like:



There are women on the internet who are proud of their bodies, just the way they are. Denise Jolly is a writer and poet that I truly admire. Her work with body issues and fat shaming is something that I do not have the courage to do. But I am extremely grateful that she does. Maybe someday, society will change and I won't be seen as something to be mocked or to be disgusted with. But that day isn't today.

None of this however, changes the fact that my comfort level just isn't as open. I would love to be able to say that I'm not afraid of being judged. But I am. Every day of my life. So while the chance to have more on screen time would be amazing, the extra $50 or $100 just isn't worth it to me. Like my friend Paul said, that's not even dinner and a movie.