A Little Girl Lost

Every day I have at least one moment where I realize how much my life is changing right now. That this whole going on tour thing is actually going to happen. And it's much sooner than I'm expecting. I should be feeling overwhelmed. I'm not. And that worries me.

I'm not ready for this trip to New York on Friday. Today, I spent a little time singing and trying to figure out just how I'm supposed to do this belted A in Bali H'ai. It's not pretty (at least to my ear). I need to record myself and listen. I need to figure out how to do this in a healthy and safe way. By Friday.

Why am I not scared?

I haven't been working on the blocking or lines as much as I think I should. I've been listening to it a bit, trying to get down speech patterns that will better suit what the tour wants. But I need to get it on its feet again. So why aren't I? I'm feeling absolutely cool as a cucumber. Like this is no big deal. What the hell? I am ridiculous. This is a national tour. I am working with the director in three days. And it's as if a part of me doesn't even care. I haven't gone to the gym. I haven't been eating well. It's as if I'm going into self-destruct mode.

What is wrong with me?

So tonight, I rented a movie to take my mind off of the fact that I'm floundering somewhere between completely terrified and wholly apathetic. I couldn't have picked a better film: Moneyball.

I was reminded of the fact that imperfection exists for a reason. People are not like plans. We do the best we can with what we have and need to remember to enjoy the amazing things that happen around us every day.

Even when the world may seem to be spiraling, I am still firmly here. I am still the same goofy girl. I am still the great singer I know I can be. And I just need to keep faith that I know what I'm doing and enjoy the ride that I'm getting on.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why

Slow it down, make it stop or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot to be something I'm not
I'm a fool out of love 'cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show